When You tell me that You love me..

Most romantic movies/drama have this classic cliche scene. The guy/girl says "I love you." When the other hesitates to reciprocate or doesn't say anything, then the one who poured out his love got hurt. Why? Obviously for the reason that when a person really loves another, and vice-versa, both would not have any problem in saying the very words "I love you."

And its the same with God. He tells us that He loves us. But would we be able to say "I love You, too" back to Him and really, really mean what we say? Beginning September, 2011, I was having this bout of loosing my passion for God. Singing, making music for Him was difficult. Needless to say spending time with God through the reading of His Word & prayer. I was struggling. The fact that I had to worship lead & conduct the CF made it even more worst. How could I do all these without the love for God? What I have felt throughout this period of time is that I'm doing this out of obedience & I know that He is the One True God. I felt uninspired, bored. I lack the drive. I was just going through the motion.

I started to question myself. Why am I able to still lead worship, lead in the CF, still walk cautiously, in the sense of watching what I say or do lest I put shame to His Name. Believe me, I can for the very reason that it is a fact that I am serving the One True God. I cannot turn my back from Him.

Yet I know deep in my heart, this wouldn't cut it. Rev. 2: 2-4 "I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." I may have the deeds, but I have forsaken the first love. The deeds, the works, the sufferings without the first love is useless! Oh no..I definitely do not want this to happen to me. I've got to go back to my First love. I must love God.

Which brings me to the next question which became my treasure quest for the whole month of September. I am reminded of the most important commandment in Mark 12:29-30. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Wowsers! Isn't it enough to phrase it out as "Love the Lord?" Obviously, God has His reason why is it that it is phrased out as "..with all your heart...soul....mind...strength.." Among the 4, heart connotes the emotional part. The emotional love shared between lovers. Therefore, its important for me to have that emotional feeling towards God. I lack! I lack! & I need that emotional love back! I must have it lest all these deeds & works are futile. & if I don't have that feeling back I know that my spiritual walk will take its toll in a matter of time.

How can I have that emotional feeling? I can't just develop it from thin air. I can't say to myself, 'hey, emotional love for God. Rise up now!' I can't cook it up on my own accord. So I told God, "Dear God, I'm being honest with You. I don't have that love for You. That zeal & passion for You. But I know that I must have it. & I want it because I know that that is what makes life more meaningful again. & I do miss that feeling. That walking on air feeling. I'm just going to wait for You to touch me again. This is for You to do, not me." Of course this doesn't mean that I can stop reading the Bible, or pray, or sing worship songs to God and serving Him in the ministry. The waiting is not a passive one. Its an active waiting.

So I waited. & waited. For weeks unending. Thank God, the time for the restoration of my love for God came. It was at a gathering called "The Family Gathering". The speaker of the event shared something which was so spot on concerning my spiritual condition. Yes, its about not having the First Love. The sharing really encouraged me to wait upon God. Just bask in His Presence. Well, the gathering was an event with no special agenda...just to spend time with the Lord. And while doing that, I got the Fire back and I felt whole again. I even have a ring now which reads "I belong to my lover Jesus." To be able to love God back, that shall always be the desire of my heart.

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